You are Enough

I come from a long history of not feeling as though I am enough....

With a previous relationship, I didn't fulfill his needs enough, I was just not enough.

Most recently, it was I didn't clean enough, I spent too much money, I didn't have enough in common, I was just not enough...

Last year was a doozy, I went through a couple surgeries, and the last one left me without fallopian tubes and one of my ovaries. After 7 years of on and off trying to conceive, this left me in a deep dark hole of depression and self doubt. I just was not enough...

I turned inward, wanting to be alone most of the time in my self doubt bubble. Honestly, I barely remember much of that dark time because I was just focusing on keeping my head above water. Still, just not enough...

My ex fell in love with his best friend... This is MY fault, I'm just not enough....

Then I remember the words of my closest friends... You are so STRONG, you are beautiful, you are treasured, you are appreciated, you are of value, you bring so much to this world...

This is NOT my fault, my 'short comings' are not a flaw, I don't owe anyone anything, my feelings are VALID, It's ok to cry and scream, It's ok to not be ok....

and most importantly...

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Shine on you crazy diamond, shine on... 

A letter to the woman I thought ruined my life...

During the last few months, I have written countless notes of what I would like to say to this person... Most of them included lots of fuck you, sorry your husband isn't enough you had to look elsewhere, and many other hurtful angry comments. I've decided to sit down and write an updated version.

Dear You,

I have spent so much time and energy hating you for what you guys have done to me and my life... For the betrayal of our friendship... for the lies, and miscommunication. I still feel this, fuck you attitude towards you, but it's a little more peaceful of a fuck you.

I want to start off by thanking you. Without this complete betrayal of our friendship and my trust, I would not be where I am today realizing my worth. I've learned so much during this process. I learned that I should not have to change who I am or what I do to fit into any kind of box to please my partner. I learned that I am worthy of unconditional love and understanding. I learned that I have to trust my gut instinct, and that my intuition is always right. 

I really hope one day you realize, it's not the best idea to try and get your married best friend into a poly relationship, feed him lines that is what it is, and continue to hide and lie while under that umbrella.

 Dude, you are giving a bad name to those in open honest poly relationships. 

Thank you for turning my world upside down, showing your (and his) true colors. 

Because without this push, I would be most likely forever trying to be the 'perfect person' and forever falling short of unrealistic expectations. I wouldn't have been able to see a glimpse of the strong independent woman that I am.

Thank you, and in the same breath..... fuck you.

Love Always and forever

Gabby

Woke

"You're being ridiculous."

"Nothing is going on."

"Why are you so insecure?"

"So what if she likes me? It's not a big deal!"

Just a small portion of the things I heard during the last 3-4 years, while my ex was (secretly?) in love with his best friend.

I had a burning gut feeling something wasn't right. The messaging all day everyday on some app on his phone... The secret (not so secret) rendezvous. 

Now a little back story, this couple was like family to us, we went on vacations, celebrated family functions, camping trips, watch each others kids grow up (my step daughter, and their daughter) there through the hard times and good times.

Meanwhile, my gut told me there was something off... and it was.

A term I recently learned that resonated with me...

Gaslighting... As told by Wikipedia 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem

Well shit, I've been gaslighted! 

I am not a saint, I have struggled with my own personal demons for many many years. Insecurities out the wazoo... Recovered from anorexia and bulimia... Lost my mother (my best friend) at 22, suffered with anxiety, depression, fertility issues... but always and forever loved my husband for who he was, how he was. Trusted my husband, because he was 'A trustworthy honest to a fault man' 

  

Or so I thought. 

The last few months have been filled with a wide range of the stages of grief, bouncing back and forth between each and every one. Taking two steps forward, then five steps back. 

I keep thinking how crazy the timing of all of this has been. While my life has been completely shattered and ripped out from underneath me, the universe has given me everything to survive this as well. A home with the most loving caring people, the support of my amazing friends, the new deep friendships I have gained....

Could it be?? maybe, just maybe I am starting to realize my worth!

Realize this is NOT my fault, that I am a fucking gem of a woman, anybody would be proud to be with. That our lives sometimes have to shatter and break for us to rebuild ourselves.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm not as broken as I think I am....

Just more woke....

Starting Over.

            As I sit here, drinking a glass of wine, wearing my sweat pants, an over sized sweater, candle burning, some Bjork playing in the background, I think to myself... How the hell did I get here? Well let me explain...

 Hey there! I am Gabby, a 30 year old baker, soon to be divorcee (weird as fuck to say, write, or hear) who was fully dependent on "the love of my life" I was 18, he was 28 when we first met. Freshly out of a toxic relationship with my abusive ex fiance. I packed up my entire life in California to move to Portland. We fell in love quickly, and after 4 years of dating got married. 

8 years of marriage, so many ups and downs, devastating losses, fertility issues, surgeries, depression and anxiety, and here we are today.. 3 months separated, smack dab in the middle of a pandemic, racial injustice at an all time high, an incompetent president, and the world is basically a pile of burning shit. 

While everything is burning all around me, I find myself gasping for air, trying to find some kind of clarity in all of this. 2020 is just one major FUCK YOU to the world, we are all out here drowning and flaying around like fish out of water. I'm sure I am just one of many casualties of 2020 divorces. 

I am looking forward to having an outlet to share my story of discovering exactly who the fuck I am. Maybe someone in a similar circumstance may stumble across this and realize they are not as alone as they may think they are.

I am Gabby, a 30 year old, who is starting over, who is no longer fully dependent on "the love of my life" discovering who exactly I am in this crazy ass world. 

Enjoy the ride!