"Nothing is going on."
"Why are you so insecure?"
"So what if she likes me? It's not a big deal!"
Just a small portion of the things I heard during the last 3-4 years, while my ex was (secretly?) in love with his best friend.
I had a burning gut feeling something wasn't right. The messaging all day everyday on some app on his phone... The secret (not so secret) rendezvous.
Now a little back story, this couple was like family to us, we went on vacations, celebrated family functions, camping trips, watch each others kids grow up (my step daughter, and their daughter) there through the hard times and good times.
Meanwhile, my gut told me there was something off... and it was.
A term I recently learned that resonated with me...
Gaslighting... As told by Wikipedia
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem
Well shit, I've been gaslighted!
I am not a saint, I have struggled with my own personal demons for many many years. Insecurities out the wazoo... Recovered from anorexia and bulimia... Lost my mother (my best friend) at 22, suffered with anxiety, depression, fertility issues... but always and forever loved my husband for who he was, how he was. Trusted my husband, because he was 'A trustworthy honest to a fault man'
Or so I thought.
The last few months have been filled with a wide range of the stages of grief, bouncing back and forth between each and every one. Taking two steps forward, then five steps back.
I keep thinking how crazy the timing of all of this has been. While my life has been completely shattered and ripped out from underneath me, the universe has given me everything to survive this as well. A home with the most loving caring people, the support of my amazing friends, the new deep friendships I have gained....
Could it be?? maybe, just maybe I am starting to realize my worth!
Realize this is NOT my fault, that I am a fucking gem of a woman, anybody would be proud to be with. That our lives sometimes have to shatter and break for us to rebuild ourselves.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm not as broken as I think I am....
Just more woke....
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